| LANDLUBBER | APRIL, 1998 |
I ordered a new hard drive and Windows NT 4.0, and I installed them. That was pretty easy. Then I tried to make the modem work. I had bought a cable at Shadio Rack to connect it to the computer. It was a male-male cable, and it turned out I needed a male-female cable.
I exchanged the cable. While I was there, I bought an Internet CD. It was $30 and it's supposed to give me the first three months free if installed by February 28, so I'd be saving thirty dollars. I got the modem going and verified it worked by using that lovely Hyperterminal program and calling a local modem test line. It gave me lots of fascinating mumbo jumbo about the modem. Then, I tried to install the Internet software, but it said it wouldn't install because I need to have Service Pack 3 installed. The CD is for Win95; I assumed it would work on NT also. But not so! I had no idea what this obscure Service Pack 3 is. I scoured the NT manuals and help files. No clues; none whatsoever. Sunday ended with the promse of three free months taunting me; February 28 would be the following Saturday.
At work we had just performed a System Switcheroo from OS/2 Warp to NT, so I looked in an NT book I have at work. The index contained no references to the coveted Service Pack 3. However, I fumbled across a helpful chapter hidden away in the back of the book. The chapter told curious souls where to look for more information if what they want to know is not in the book. There on the page telling about Microsoft Technical Support online was a picture of the Technical Support web page. And there on the very web page they pictured was a link for downloading Service Pack 3. OF COURSE! This mysterious Service Pack 3 can be downloaded from Microsoft's own illustrious web site! My disgusting problems are over! I immediately threw down the book as hard as I could and began surfing the internet like a Billabong-sponsored pro tearing up the North Shore. With blazing speed and incredible link clicking dexterity, I soon found the beautiful web site. Ha ha ha. It's very simple, you see. I will write down the URL and go to Kinko's to download this wonderful software and copy it onto a floppy from home. But my eyes fell upon a quite disturbing note. The Service Pack 3 is grand in size: 18 Meg. That would take, oh, twelve or thirteen floppies? Blast! Oh, no matter. I will buy floppies and download. Smug and cocky, I travelled to the nearby Kinko's and accessed the web site. I commanded the foolish computer to download to the A drive. And download it did. Go, Service Pack 3, go! But no! The requested file will not fit. Well? Give me an option to enter another floppy and continue! Unfortunately, the download software was not so sophisticated. On the contrary, it was quite naive. What can we do, Mr. Kinko's computer room helper? Let's look for a compression program to compress 18 Meg to 1.44. That won't work. We don't have a compression utility anyway. We have an unzip, but not a zip. Sorry, feller, there ain't nothin' we can do fer ya. I went home empty handed, but my mind was buzzing in effort to determine a solution, a cure. Ahhh . . . . I think I recall something in the NT owner's manual. Yes, the Microsoft BBS. I can connect to the BBS and see if they have it. Hyperterminal, dial the Microsoft BBS, on the double! Hmmm, operating systems, NT 4.0, software downloads, service packs . . . . Service Pack 3, there it is, 18 Meg, they have it! But how long will it take? By downloading the relatively small Readme file and performing some quick calculations it was determined by me that it would take about two and one half hours. Fine; let us begin the download and sit patiently. And about thirty seconds later it was done. But why!?! Try it again. Same deal. OK, it gave me an executable on my hard drive. Click-click on it and what does it say? We're sorry; we no longer support the Service Pack 3 download on the BBS; it's too big. Blast! Blast you and your pathetic BBS! Although I might come back sometime and check out your development tools section.
I received an interesting little package in the mail. It was an Internet CD from the same company as the CD I bought. You see, on Sunday I called them and ordered a new, free CD. You can do that. But that'll just give you one free month of access, not a glorious three. Now for plan B. Install the freebie and when prompted for the registration code, give the code for the other. I knew it may not work, but taking the chance might yield a very great reward. The installation process was going very well. Before it asked for my registration code, it was time to dial in and connect. But it refused to connect. It flat out refused. It said my dial in driver was not installed. Dial in driver? But surely it is. My modem works perfectly well. But no connection. Call technical support! They'll know what to do. They claimed not to support Windows NT, just 95 and 3.1. But the nice young man suggested doing something with my system Dial Up Networking settings. Thank you, thank you. So I found the Dial Up Networking settings and played with them and changed them and installed things and booted and rebooted. Nothing worked. No change at all would permit me to connect to the illustrious Internet registration. Turning as red as a furious wildfire, I shook my fist at the sky and shouted in rage.
A new day dawned with a new idea. New inspiration and new hope for a new approach to getting connected to that new world called the internet. That great new world where anything is possible and you can be whoever, wherever you want. I went to visit the happy folks at the Wonderzone, a nearby internet non-cafe. I approached them with my problem. Do any of you know NT? I need Service Pack 3. Sure, son, we'll be glad to help for a small fee. Give us blank disks; we'll download and copy. And hap-hap-happy we'll be. They had the means at their disposal to split the behemoth onto several disks. I left with my thirteen disks filled with the Service Pack. If only I had known and gone to them first. Such an ignorant fool I had been! Running around like a crazed muppet, trying this and trying that, when the solution was so close and so simple. Now at home, it was trivial to sit back and unzip the files onto my machine. Ha. But what's this? Unable to read disk two. So you still defy me, you elusive demon, Service Pack 3! Away with this nonsense!
The day of doom. If I can't register today, three free months of access, straight out the kazoo. So much effort, so much hard work to earn this prize. I WILL NOT BE DENIED. I returned to the Wonderzone to find my happy friends. The place was filled with kids playing loud, violent network games. I asked the only worker, where are the guys who were working here last night? Oh, they're not working today. Well, let me on a computer and I will take care of this myself. I went to the Microsoft internet web site, searched and found and downloaded the Service Pack 3. I put it onto my collection of thirteen disks. But this time, yes, this time before I left I ran the test of integrity on the desks. Good, good, very good. Oh, unable to read disk twelve. Fine; and there is no recourse except to erase all of the disks and to start over. This is the only way. I resumed the task and thought of sunshine on my grandparents' porch. Now for the test of integrity of all thirteen disks. Steady now, steady. That's right, you got it. All thirteen disks were now readable. I began my March of Victory and headed home. Of course, I still wasn't finished and had no guarantee, express or implied, that this thing was really going to work. But you know what? It did. I installed this wily Service Pack 3, which I had now successfully subdued. I installed my Shadio Rack Internet CD and registered. I looked at stupid things on the web and I emailed goofy things. As for the software's interface? It's somewhat offensive. It invaded my system and put this crazy Active Desktop thing in there. Now half of my programs open inside the Microsoft Internet Explorer. The machine is slower. Everything acts like it's a web browser. I sometimes can't tell if I'm on the internet or in my computer. I can even set one option and it will put Disney and Looney Tunes logos all over the place. Hey, I don't want their partnering agreements extending into my hard drive. The Active Desktop capability will probably be removed by the user. But these are petty concerns that can be dealt with over the course of the fabulous three free months. Postscript: Since the writing of this article, the author has noticed that his Internet CD package promised three free months of access if he registered before February 28, not by February 28. Whether his first three months will be free remains to be seen.
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| --E.J. Koonpa | |||||
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