Incident 1: ERRANDS
Time: 5:45
Recorded by Paul Mineiro and Mike Stanton in Koreatown, Los Angeles, California.
The visual element is very simple—lights are turned off and on.
STAGE MANAGER plays the tape, goes to back of room, turns off room lights, turns on flashlight, walks to front of room, turns on the lamp, turns off flashlight.
If the audience becomes restless, STAGE MANAGER enters, turns off the lamp, waits a moment, turns on the lamp very briefly, pretends the bulb is burned out, turns on the flashlight, removes the bulb, gets a new bulb from his gear, turns on the lamp, screws in the bulb.
When the tape is finished, STAGE MANAGER enters, turns off the lamp, and exits.
Once upon a time there was a handsome prince without a princess. Often, when he was riding around various kingdoms running errands, a princess would ask him to tarry and woo her. Always he would say, "Maybe when I'm done with my errands," and always he would forget to return to her.
The handsome prince had a problem: he was plagued by ghosts. Little ghosts, the size of your hand, in light colors and with exaggerated facial features. The ghosts would usually come out when he was alone. They would make him angry, or sad, or wistful, and completely distract him from the situation at hand. When he met a poor beggar, or a beautiful princess, he would try to be charitable, or charming, but always his thoughts were on the last appearance of the ghosts, or on the likelihood that they would appear again soon.
And so the prince roamed the land, running errands for wise men in exchange for advice about his affliction. Usually they said something like, "If only you truly believed in yourself, then the ghosts would fade and the gate to your heart would swing open." He knew that this advice was a bunch of bologna because he believed in himself as much as he had before the hauntings began, and even on days when he felt particularly arrogant the ghosts were there.
One day he was riding through the woods when his horse tripped over an old, gray man lying in the road. The horse landed in a crumpled pile. The prince landed in the soft boughs of a fir tree. The prince dusted himself off, glanced at his now-dead horse, and went to examine the corpse of the gray man.
"Old man," said the prince, "forgive my horse's clumsiness. He did not mean to kill you."
"Don’t try to blame this on your horse," said the gray man, sitting up.
"What luck!" cried the prince.
"No luck," said the gray man. "You might be surprised at the tricks we old ones know."
"Most of the old men I've met are full of crap," said the prince.
"Are you a connoisseur of the aged?" asked the gray man.
"I have been seeking release from a curse," said the prince. "Small ghosts haunt and badger me."
"I know something of curses and remedies thereof," replied the gray man. "How did this curse come about?"
"No idea," said the prince. "I’m just bothered by packs of small ghosts, each about the size of your hand."
"There’s a trick to that," said the old man. "You have to kill a really scary monster. The ghosts will be paralyzed with fright when they see the monster. Then, when you kill the beast, its spirit will eat the ghosts."
"I’ve never seen a monster," said the prince.
The gray man stroked his beard. "I think there’s a dragon in that castle over there."
"That one?" asked the prince, pointing.
"No," said the gray man, "the one on the right. But maybe before you go kill the dragon you should visit the castle on the left and tell the king of your plans. You see, the king and I had a falling out when I refused to turn virgins into gold for him."
"You can do that?" marveled the prince.
"It’s a bloody process," explained the gray man. "Anyway, I would consider it a personal favor if you would apprise the king of the situation. When he sees that my advice worked, perhaps he will let me return to his service."
The prince agreed to this plan and went off to see the king.
The king was pleased that the prince intended to slay the meretricious dragon, but he was annoyed that the gray man was involved.
"You know," said the king, "you seem like a very intelligent young man."
"Your majesty," said the prince.
"I have this daughter," said the king, "for whom I need to find a bridegroom. Most of the noblemen around here are nitwits, and the populace has frowned upon all of my daughter’s suitors. But you, once you have slain the dragon, will have proved yourself honorable, brave, et cetera, and will be a shoo-in to receive the princess’s hand."
The prince agreed to this arrangement. In his travels he'd met plenty of princesses better than this guy's daughter, so he figured he would skip town once the dragon was dispatched. Until then, there was no sense in arguing with the king of the land.
The dragon’s castle was not far away, so the prince walked over, wielding a borrowed sword.
The dragon was out front, eviscerating a horse.
"Avast," said the prince. "I am here to kill you."
The dragon threw the horse at the prince, knocking him to the ground and trapping him beneath the carcass.
"Now we can talk," said the dragon.
"I have no words for you but steel and death," said the prince.
"I notice you brought a cloud of paralyzed ghosts with you," said the dragon. "Were they meant to be a weapon?"
"No," said the prince, "I’d hoped that your dying soul would devour them and free me from their curse."
"Just a second," said the dragon, leaping into flight and soaring away. The scaly beast soon returned with a frightened horse in its talons.
"What’s with the horse?" said the prince.
"I’m planning to spend the afternoon eviscerating stuff out here," said the dragon. "All that time, your ghosts will be paralyzed. If you ride fast, by the time I leave and they are mobile you’ll be somewhere they’ll never find you."
"A good plan," said the prince.
"By the way," said the dragon, "did you get that sword from mine enemy the king?"
"Yes," said the prince. "I was supposed to return it to him after I'd killed you."
"Then in return for my mercy I ask a favor," said the dragon. "Give me your cloak. Disguised as you I will be able to penetrate the castle’s defenses and slaughter the king and his family."
"I don’t have much choice," said the prince. "But will my cloak fit you?"
"Don’t worry. These people are a bunch of nitwits," said the dragon. "Total jerks. Killing them off will do everyone in the area a big favor."
And so the prince rode away exorcised of his demons, and the dragon eviscerated the royal family, and the old gray man was at least happy that the king was dead. And the prince hooked up with a princess in a faraway land and they lived in blissful harmony.